Archive for the ‘The Ultimate Horoscope’ Category

Your Fishodiac Horoscope Update

No tall dark strangers, please

No tall dark strangers, please


Do you care about your lucky stars? Really? You realise, of course, that all horoscopes are horse manure, don’t you. Yes, all of them. Except this one: the Zaragoza Twins’ very own exclusive Fishodiac. In case you have forgotten what fish sign you are, click on this explanatory link:


It’s been a pretty dull time of late in the stars, which is the main reason we haven’t updated this section for a while. The second reason is that we don’t actually believe any of this nonsense. But, for what it’s worth, here is the Spring/Summer collection of the Fishodiac.


The Flounder

Happiness Index Rating: 59%

Scary Day: May 14

Lucky Novel: Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad


The Pilchard

Stress Factor: B+

Thrill Day: June 2

Lucky Airline: Aeroflot


The Stickleback

Caution Ranking: 78

Boring Day: June 5

Lucky Film Director: John Ford


The Carp

Cynicism Rate: 20/30

Forgettable Day: May 28

Lucky Mobile Phone: Samsung G550


The Minnow

Generosity Index: C

Allergic Day: July 17

Lucky Continent: Asia


The Red Mullet

Desirability Rank: 4,582

Religious Day: May 30

Lucky Kitchen Appliance: Microwave oven


The John Dory

Apathy Rating: AAB

Hilarity Day: June 20

Lucky Beer: Becks


The Turbot

Stupidity Factor: 9

Insignificant Day: July 4

Lucky Nazi: Hermann Goering




Zaragoza Twins would like to stress that the above is infallible and 100% guaranteed. However, we are aware that in this present economic climate, there is no such thing as a free lunch and that “wishful thinking” and faith are not synonyms. Make of that what you will.




Your Fishodiac!


(see    to find out what sign you are!)


First of all, we apologize hugely for not updating this section before now. The stars have been crazy lately, what with the discovery of that new constellation in Beta-Ganymede and all those supernovas darting around. And then we had the implosion of Venus in June, which the press overlooked, completely whacking the orbits of just about anything whizzing around there in outer space. Fortunately, the damages inflicted on the Zaragoza Twins astrological satellite “Brenda” have been mostly cosmetic, and the data we have been receiving makes just about as much sense as it ever did, hee hee.


So let’s see what the stars are saying for you guys.


As the sun edges round John Dory, with Turbot rising, I think Red Mullets can look forward to some moments of reckless panic, probably related to sporting events and food shopping. Doesn’t look good for those of you planning to take part in the Beijing Olympics, I’m afraid. Turbots and Flounders will almost certainly have unexpected bowel movements but this shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a negative development, should it. A great time for Minnows is just around the corner, aesthetically and dare I say, metaphysically. Yes, I dare. Bittersweet days ahead for Sticklebacks, and we’re not talking Chinese takeaways, folks! Too many cooks rush in where angels make hay while the sun in time saves nine birds in the bush, as my grandmother used to say. Our database reveals that most of our readers are Carps, and we’re delighted to tell you that it’s gonna be real peachy for all of you, with massive lottery wins, job promotions and a more satisfactory love life at least up until the first week in August, let’s say until Tuesday August 5, around 9 A.M. Tragic news for Pilchards: Brenda reports that all Pilchards are either extinct or on the verge thereof. Tough luck, guys, I hope you get over it. Not too sure about John Dory, either, but here at Zaragoza Twins we’ve got our fingers crossed, never saying die. Life’s like that. So’s death.


We would like to remind our star-gazing readership that July 30 is the Radial Graphic Parallax Eclipse, a fairly unique occasion for all of you in the Southern hemisphere to witness this bizarre phenomenon, when all the planets in the sky align to draw the face of a famous cartoon character. This year’s event is sponsored by The Walt Disney Company, so I guess we can look forward to a gigantic Mickey Mouse silhouette spread across the firmament, starting at about 22:00 GMT. Exciting stuff, eh?

This week’s / month’s Fishodiac Forecast

This week’s / month’s Fishodiac Forecast:


The sun is in the Carp as we speak, with John Dory rising. This is a great time for all you Pilchards to get that unsightly facial hair seen to, and Sticklebacks: start revising for that exam, pronto! Later on in the month, I think we could find Carps and maybe Sticklebacks, too, feeling a bit restless as we move into the Minnow ascendant. Obviously, Minnows will respond well, with that dizzy elation bordering on ecstasy. Looks like a good one, guys! Not a good time for Flounders, I’m sorry to say. Put off any major operations and don’t get married, unless it’s to a Turbot. Red Mullets will feel lucky this month, but could have problems with their eyesight as we move into the 3rd quarter. Not a bad time for Turbots or John Dories, who will be feeling strangely musical. Maybe it’s time for you guys to record that album you’ve always been dreaming of…?

The Ultimate Horoscope

You’ve seen the boring one, with Aquarius and Taurus; you’ve done the Chinese one with snakes and horses; you’ve probably even tried the Mayan one and the Celtic one. But you have never seen your stars the Zaragoza Twins way – the Practical Fishodiac!



First, find what Practical Fish type you are, depending on your birthday:


The Flounder : Jan 13 – Feb 26

The Pilchard : Feb 27 – Mar 31

The Stickleback : Apr 1 – May 27

The Carp : May 28 – Jun 29

The Minnow : Jun 30 – Aug 19

The Red Mullet : Aug 20 – Nov 6

The John Dory : Nov 7 – Nov 11

The Turbot : Nov 12 – Jan 12


General character types:


The Flounder

You are happy-go-lucky and tend to think people are nicer than they actually are. You support football teams that never win anything, you like knitting and have a small wart just above your left elbow that you think nobody can see but actually they can. You like to think you are good with your hands, and have a facility for telekinesis.


The Pilchard

You are a natural born worrier. You spend most of your time and energy weighing up the pros and cons of everything before making a decision. Your enjoyment of what life has to offer is offset by the pains of contemplating disappointment. You seem to get on well with children, especially when they have very dark hair and/or eyes. The arts, science and technology, philosophy and sport mean nothing to you. You wonder if you were born on the wrong planet.


The Stickleback

You are the kind of person nobody wants to marry but everybody wants to have an affair with. You always leave things to the last minute. You love cooking, barn dancing and old furniture, especially kitchen cabinets with frosted glass fronts. You are ambitious,      hospitable and frequently diabetic.


The Carp

You are second to none when it comes to crying on other people’s shoulders. You lack decisiveness and drive, but you make up for this with your winning smile and athletic build. There is something mystical in your attitude to life. You are always trying to use words like “ignominy” and “derisive” in conversation. You have a small but impressive collection of old maps.


The Minnow

You are methodical, meticulous and mendacious. People trust you with their livelihood and you go and fleece them remorselessly. You would love to be spontaneous, warm-hearted and philanthropic but you were just born with a selfish gene. You despise mediocrity, furry household pets and large parts of the Mediterranean.


The Red Mullet

Your romantic streak is at the same time your greatest asset and your biggest liability. You have this thing about plants… You are shy and reserved, yet passionate and creative. Likely professions include: film director, market gardener, UN Secretary General. Politically, your ideas are far from orthodox, and you have way too many potted plants on your windowsills.


The John Dory

You always feel that other people don’t appreciate your qualities, and you get depressed and angry as a result. You are naturally cooperative and caring, but have to fight to put down your vicious side. You are prone to sloth and avarice. You have a bewildering aversion to the colour beige which stems from a childhood trauma we’d rather not go into at this moment in time.


The Turbot

You are a born leader. You are brave, tenacious and inspiring. People flock to you for advice and guidance. You are tall and good-looking. Your health is excellent and your intellect is dazzling. You drive a Maserati and own a collection of Fabergé eggs. Your children’s names are Cleo and Alex.