Blackpool Revisited

Is this how you remember it? Think again!

 

Welcome back to Blackpool, Mr Martínez, said the doorman. Please enjoy our hospitality.

 

And he winked as he nudged my elbow as he pointed furtively in the direction of a bevy of giggling buxom babes in skimpy French chambre-maide outfits and silly “Kiss Me Kwik” hats who were jostling in the corridor.

 

I was in Blackpool. I was back.

 

I first came here many moons ago, on an Erasmus grant to study hangovers. I had heard that the town had witnessed an upturn in its fortunes, since the dire decline that started oh ever such a long time ago when Johnny was a boy and Adam were a lad.

 

Now, for those of you who are unaware of such facts, I would like to point out some pointers to point you in the right direction before we lose our bearings. Blackpool is a grand town in the North West of England, on the coast, a bit up from Liverpool as the crow flies, not that you get many crows flying to Blackpool from Liverpool these days but if you did they would fly straight to Blackpool, as long as they veer a bit to the left once they hit Preston. Off the top of my head I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Blackpool was the world’s top tourist destination in the 20th century and Wikipedia is there to prove I’m wrong if I’m not right. An estimated 86 million people visited Blackpool last year and they can’t all be wrong!

 

Where to find us

 

 

Go on, name three people who you can swear have never been to Blackpool. I dare you. See?

 

Noted for fresh air and fun, Blackpool has lost some of the proletarian charm that fizzed along its piers in the 60’s and 70’s, and has since then tried to recoup its glamour via a glitzy makeover that can put the rest of the world to shame.

 

Dubai? Don’t make me laugh.

 

How to describe Blackpool to the neophyte… Let’s see if a breakdown of its multifarious attractions will turn you on.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

 

 

The Beach

 

Blackpool’s coast line is now 48 miles long, making it officially the world’s longest beach. It is covered with 78,000,000,000,000 tonnes of crystal gold sand, stretching out 4.75 miles into the Irish Sea, making it officially the world’s biggest beach. It is home to 67,315 ice cream vendors, tea stalls and fancy good stands, 102,850 reclining deckchairs, 2,116 perambulating donkeys in silly “Kiss Me Kwik” hats and 466 giant radiators carefully distributed along the shoreline  which raise the temperature to a glowing 29ºC even in the middle of winter, ensuring that YOUR holiday is always a warm success!

The Town

Since the massive “esthetic cleansing” programme of 2004-2005, rest assured that Blackpool is now home to the loveliest people. No fat ugly gits in your hotel, no sirree! All unsightly people were encouraged to leave the city, making sure that all remaining inhabitants scored at least a B+ on the new European “Attractiveness Index”, making Blackpool one of the most beautiful places for people to live.

A Typical Blackpudlian Family

And not only are its people gorgeous, the town itself has had an amazing makeover in recent years, with devastatingly beautifying projects throughout. The sexiest streets, the hunkiest buildings, the most drool-worthy parks, shops and houses… Blackpool is an architect’s fantasy playground!

getting around in Blackpool

 

 

Transport

Maybe this is how you remember the trams in Blackpool…

 

…but this is what they’ve got nowadays!

 

Blackpool’s trams are legendary. Enjoy a spin on the most luxurious public transport in the whole world!

Travel in STYLE along the GOLDEN MILE!

 

Attractions

Take me to your leader

No visit to Blackpool would be complete without an excursion to Stanley Park Cyber Zoo – the world’s first robot zoo, home to hundreds of jawdropping bionic animals.

 

beneath the ground beneath your feet

 

And then submerge yourself in The Cave – yes, it’s Blackpool’s immense underground park-cum-shopping centre-cum-residential area-cum-golf course, virtually another Blackpool beneath the Blackpool you have already walked around above ground level! Drop in to the staggering flying Ice City, a huge block of frozen loveliness held up by gigantic cranes, home to the amazing Ice Hotel as well as that emblem of coolness, the Ice Cube Bar!

 

Live on the North Pier

 

Fancy a snack at Ferran Adria’s new “BlackBulli” Restaurant?

 

 

The Stars

 

Enjoy yourself on the North Pier, the Central Pier and the South Pier, attending concerts by the world’s top entertainers. Performers this summer included Madonna, David Guetta and Beyoncé. And that was all in one afternoon!

 

The Tower

Travel to the top of the new revamped Blackpool tower! At 28,000 m high, it is now officially the tallest building in the world. You can use the supersonic elevator BUT it will cost you an arm and a leg (not literally, folks!) BUT they take children in part exchange BUT the child has to be yours BUT they don’t ask for any proof of purchase BUT you have to pick the little brat up when you leave.

 

Whatever your fancy, Blackpool is the only destination that will really make a difference in your travels this year. Choose wisely, choose carefully, and choose Blackpool.

 

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