The Zaragoza Twins’ Guide To Losing Weight! Success Guaranteed! Sort Of!

Lose weight the Zaragoza Twins way!

 

Dieting Just Got Easier in Zaragoza!

 

Eat what you want! (It’s got nothing to do with losing weight!)

 

 

I just want to make it perfectly clear that I'm pretending to bite into this apple because I want to, not because it is having any measurable effect on my BMI, ok?

 

A few days ago I mentioned that I had lately been putting on a few kilos or pounds or whatever unit of weight you prefer. (Personally I’ve always had a soft spot for the !Ñui` system, used by the Hopi Indians. By their standards, I weigh in at a mere 22 ui`.)

 

Like everybody else, I’ve dabbled with just about every diet this side of the Sun, with limited success. This latest fad, the Dunkin’ Donuts diet, definitely DOES NOT work, take it from me. I tried the grapefruit diet, the West Coast diet, even the hilarious Jack Daniels diet… all were a waste of time, money, effort, pain, suffering, frustration, angst, heartache, guilt, remorse, I think you got the message so I’ll stop.

 

I weigh myself religiously and by that I don’t mean I hold a crucifix as I stand on the scales, or face Mecca or anything, I mean I weigh myself with patience and dedication every morning prior to my, ahem, frugal breakfast. And I noticed a bizarre pattern emerging… Sometimes my body weight was as much as 2 kilos greater than the day before, and other days it had plummeted by just as much. Something peculiar was going on. And it wasn’t just the food I was eating, or the exercise I was getting – naturally, a girl checks these variables before she considers other factors, right?

 

Scrutinizing my every move, I started to entertain the possibility that there could be some relationship twixt my intellectual pleasures and my Body Mass Index…

I observed with trepidation how my cellulite and the pudginess around my lower thighs practically vanished overnight after a three-hour session of How I Met Your Mother and by that I am referring to the TV show, as if I need to add. To my chagrin, it started to creep back over the next few weeks and I was able to put this down to reading El año del diluvio and La verdad sobre el caso Savolta by Eduardo Mendoza. Was my weight gain exponentially related with the books I was reading, and the loss with the television I was watching? I tucked my reading glasses away for a month or so, and spent a long time watching TV. And, sure enough, my incipient flabbiness began to dwindle. Remarkable but unquestionable.

 

However, I was unable to ditch the whole reading thing altogether, and this led me to think there were probably some authors who were more fattening than others. In the best interests of science, I plunged into some heavy research, risking my waistline in exchange for literature, and I am now in a position to be able to assert unequivocally that John Irving, Manuel Vázquez Montalbán and Walter Eissman are lots more calorific than, say, Robert Walser, Yukio Mishima or Julia Navarro. What qualities make one author more weightgaining than others is a mystery to me.

Who? Me??

 

Not all TV viewing, however, proved efficient in the task of shedding those unsightly pounds. No amount of CSI seemed to make the slightest difference, and I have never been swayed by the slimming qualities of Extreme Makeover or I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, verbigracia. Again, a comprehensive field study was called for and after exhaustive studies I can conclude that the TV series that burn off most fat are Gossip Girl, Grey’s Anatomy and Top Gear. I cannot bear the sight or sound of Jeremy Clarkson

Qué asco de tío

 

, so Top Gear’s out, for starters. All these shows have at least one instance of the letter G in their name, so I will investigate further – The Gilmore Girls looks very promising, for instance (I’m aiming at my tummy here) and there’s a South African kids’ programme called Gary, The Giggling Gay Gorilla whose name practically guarantees instant skinniness, doesn’t it.

The Most Tip Top!

I wondered for a while whether cartoons would do the trick. Manga is hopeless for this. I thought I was getting somewhere with Top Cat (adorable vintage classic stuff) but it was a false alarm.

Stop! Surely it should matter what one eats, I hear the purists shriek. Yeah, well, it might, but that’s all down to science and metabolic burn-off, innit. I know some bovine slobs who starve themselves for months and don’t shift a kilo, and I know some anorexo-bulimic neo-skeletons who have a Big Mac Ultra-Maxi-Special for breakfast and it has no impact whatsoever. So I’m through with dieting. Burn your books and burn those calories while you’re at it. Get stuck into a good soap opera. “Weight watching” takes on a whole new meaning!

Do yourself a favour. You won’t lose any weight but…

 

 

 

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