What to Watch While Drinking Cardamom Chai Latte

The Obvious Antidote

HEEN SAYS: They’ve opened a new Arabian Tea Shop near our house and I wish they hadn’t. I’m not going to give its name (any publicity, however adverse, may foster its success and we wouldn’t want that) but let’s call it Satan’s Samovar.

Actually, I haven’t got anything against the place itself, or the people who run it, but I made the terrible mistake of drinking something there the other day that has made me so ill and put me in such a negative frame of mind, I feel justified in extending my loathing to the whole shop.

I decided to order something called a CARDAMOM CHAI LATTE. I should have known better, I know. But I was feeling reckless (syn: stupid) and, hey, I paid my price. It is the kind of brew you could imagine being served up in the church hall after a black mass. Words do not come easily actually to describe the taste itself; think along the lines of Lady Gaga’s latest perfume and add rats.

I spent the next three hours driving the porcelain bus, as they say, and the following twelve hours sweating nauseously in a delirious half-dead state that reminded me of the time I was tortured at Abu Ghraib.

Now. You might wonder why I should wish to recall this ghastly experience. I see it as my duty to warn all tea / coffee lovers against this heinous concoction, that’s why. And I thought I’d bring it up here under the heading What To Watch While Drinking Cardamom Chai Latte.

Films that spring to mind that might accompany this “tea”… Well, first off, I have to mention Pasolini’s Salò or 100 Days of Sodom. Anybody who can watch this movie all the way through without retching deserves some kind of medal and their pleasure (?) can only be enhanced by sipping cardamom chai latte throughout the most repulsive scenes. Another candidate would be Virginie Depentes’ Baise Moi, which is just as disgusting as the Pasolini film without any redeeming artistic merit. Then there’s Mentiras y gordas by Alfonso Albacete, whose vileness certainly finds its liquid equivalent in this cardamom tea rubbish.

But my vote goes to the Disney movie Wizards of Waverley Place. In my humble and unbiased opinion, any parent who inflicts this poison on their offspring should be forced to imbibe cardamom chai latte, maybe even intravenously, at least twenty times a week. However, and this is a major “however”, this film and the TV series it sprung from, stars the one and only Selena Gomez, and I have to point out at this point that I am in love with Selena Gomez or at least I will be when she reaches puberty. I hear she’s going out with that creepy Justin Beiber; there’s not a lot I can do about that for the moment, but that’s OK, she just needs to get it out of her system.

As I say, it’s all right, honestly, I’m fine. She’ll see the error of her ways one day, and when I’m a cool grey-haired interesting intellectual, I know Selena will gravitate towards me. Think of Winona Ryder and Richard Gere in Autumn in New York. She and I will drink proper tea, and by then the world will be rid of cardamom.

One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Fatima Mohammed Abdullah Al Balushi on March 6, 2011 at 10:15 am

    My friend and I we always think }cardamom{ wrting is }cardomom{, spelling is by O not the A. There is different? Also, on other point, Mr Heen this is^ Why you in love Selena Gomez? She is beautiful girl, I think, on other point you dirty old man. I wish for all happy life.


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