Unspeakable Confessions


Sheen says:


I’ve been watching a lot of television lately. I don’t really know why, but I’ve become attracted to the sort of B Movies that never made it onto the big screen. I think it’s because they always have a formula which is kind of comforting because of its familiarity; I never have to think too hard, I never have to worry that I’m going to miss anything, I can skip a few minutes without getting lost… I know what the characters are going to do and I can predict how they’re going to react. I can tell who they’re going to fall in love with, who is going to betray them and who is going to save them.


And, as I say, I enjoy this knowledge. It makes me feel involved with the film, as though I had had a hand in the production. Occasionally, there are surprises; my guesses are wrong, the wrong guy dies, the daughter turns out to be somebody else’s, the grandfather survives the operation, but I’m never entirely confused and disappointed, everything slots into place after a time.


So, equipped with many years’ viewing this kind of trash, movies made for TV, I have written the screenplay for a film that is guaranteed to satisfy the demands of a public that is as undemanding as me. I am in talks with a number of producers with a view to actually getting this made into a product. I don’t know how long this will take, and I know you can’t bear to wait to see the magic words “Written by Sheen Martínez” on your little TV screen, so I’ve decided to share it with you today.


It’s called “The Shadow of Suspicion”. I tried to think of a title that wasn’t too original and which reflects the truculent nature of the hackneyed plot. Heen reckons I should have called it “Unspeakable Confessions”, which I quite like, too.


Anyway, here’s the story: Anne is a successful lawyer in her mid-thirties with a son called Tommy. Her husband died in a tragic airplane crash a few years ago, and it was only after the accident that she began to find out some strange things about him – apparently, his real estate business wasn’t doing as well as he’d always boasted, and maybe he was having an affair with his secretary, Amy. However, Anne and Tommy have now moved on, and are settling down in a small town in Minnesota. It should be said at this point that Anne is a bit of a mystic, and is able to see events before they happen, and often helps the local police solve baffling murder cases, etc. Tommy is a perfectly normal child except that he suffers from a mysterious illness that doctors haven’t been able to explain.


In this small town, they meet Jim, the owner of the local hardware store, when Anne pops in to buy some tools to fix her kitchen and of course Jim ends up doing the job for her and it turns out that Jim is also a single parent. His alcoholic wife tragically left him (and his mysteriously shy, friendless daughter Ashley) for a gambler.


Hardened viewers will automatically think at this point: Ah ha! Anne is going to get off with Jim, but she will discover some sordid secret about him. His redemption will only come about when he cures Tommy’s illness.


And they will be right. Jim is not Mr Right at all. In fact, he murdered his wife and buried her in the basement. His daughter Ashley has been brainwashed and is terrified to speak out. Tommy is tragically bleeding to death in hospital and the only person who has the same weird blood group as him is Jim. Anne only realises that Jim is a murderer and a liar as the transfusion begins, and is tragically torn between revealing this information to the police or letting her son get the blood he needs…


Tommy also has a dog (Wally) who plays baseball, despite losing a leg in a tragic accident a few months before. The dog has lost all motivation to play, and it’s only thanks to Ashley that Wally gets up off the bench and starts training properly. This way, Ashley becomes popular again in school.


Jim confesses to his heinous crime, but goes to prison a happy man, knowing he’s saved a boy’s life. Anne says she’ll wait for him – she knows that, deep down, he’s a good man. Tommy is lively and healthy and wants a place on the school baseball team but, hey, Ashley is the new captain, and with a star like Wally on the team, it’s not going to be easy, folks!


Auditions will be held next Tuesday morning at Soraya’s. Bring your own bottle.

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