Sheen’s New Year Resolutions


First of all, I want to say THANK YOU to everybody who has sent me flowers and gifts, wishing me well in my convalescence. I am on the road to recovery and feeling stronger every day.


Being in a coma for two weeks is an exhausting business, I can tell you. I was sort of dreaming, but I knew that I wasn’t asleep, it was a strange feeling… There were moments when I thought I had woken up, but I was paralysed and blind. I heard voices, or rather, noises, that I recognised but didn’t understand.


Now that I am back among the living, my outlook on life has changed somewhat. I don’t consider my coma a “near death experience”; I saw no tunnels or warm lights or even my body lying there as I floated above it, but I know that I wasn’t properly alive for a while, and that has altered my appreciation of the world and the people in it.


It’s a bit late in the year for most people to make their New Year Resolutions, I know. (This time last year, I’d already broken half of mine!) But I’ve been thinking of the things I want to do this year, and here they are:


I want to improve my diet. Eat healthier food, possibly even go vegetarian. Cut back on the booze and processed food. Get more natural.


I want to take more exercise. I don’t think I need to lose weight, but I get out of breath easily and sometimes I think I’m getting flabby. I’m thinking of a gym, much though I detest those places. (And to think that I used to work in one once! Ha!)


I’ve decided to study all religions more carefully, especially what they have to say about death and the after life. When you come out of a coma, you realise you were nearer than ever before to finding out if there’s a part two or not, and I’d just like to know what different religions have to offer in that respect.


This year I’m going to wear brightly coloured clothes. For the last few years I’ve worn mostly black but I’m going to invest in yellow, green, red, silver, nice flashy things. Maybe it’s just my way of averting the chromatics of death.


I want to spend more time with animals. I have always been convinced I could communicate with some of them if I really put my mind to it. I remember at a zoo once I could tell what the elephants were saying to each other. I was about five at the time. I think I’m going to start with zebras. I feel we have a lot in common, zebras and me. I just wish they weren’t so black and white.


I’m going to build a nuclear power plant in my bedroom. For the last few years now I’ve been in touch with a guy called Pak who works in atomic warfare in North Korea, and he’s sent me a kit. It’s a bit like an IKEA flat pack except the instructions are in Korean and, let’s face it, it’s a bit bigger. Pak assures me he can send me some refined uranium, so I don’t have to bother with that complication – I mean, it’s taking the Iranians ages just to make their own, and if I can get it ready made, I’ll save a lot of hassle. My plan is to generate just enough electricity to heat our flat and if there’s any left over, I’ll look into some nuclear weaponry. I’m thinking two or three long-range missiles to start with, and then we’ll see how it goes. If all goes according to plan, by next Christmas I should have the thing up and running. And that’s when the fun starts…!


I aim to terrorise the western world and upset the whole balance of power. I shall hold the globe to ransom and nobody can stop me. My plans are to extort all major powers – political, military, whatever – and make my threats increasingly unreasonable and outrageous so that I get what I want. (Pak says it has worked for his government, so I thought, what the hell, let’s give it a try.) In my position as the planet’s most powerful and dangerous women, I will marry Will Smith and George Clooney, simultaneously, and have scandalous affairs with deranged world leaders. I am rewriting morality. I will gloat bloodthirstily as the world pathetically begs for clemency. When I have completely humiliated ……



Heen says: I feel I must intervene at this point and drag Sheen away from the keyboard. Poor girl, that medication is playing havoc with her brain. I apologize for her outburst. This post of hers does not represent the views of Zaragoza Twins and is not endorsed by either of us. Honest.   

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