The Zaragoza Twins Guide to The Capitalist Meltdown

financial-crisis

Part One: The Crisis Explained

Part Two: What the World Will Look Like in a Few Years

Part Three: How The Above Will Affect Your Savings

Part Four: How To Get Rich Despite Everything

 

 

Part One. The Crisis Explained.

 

Imagine you decide to make the biggest omelette ever made. You calculate you need 1750 eggs, so you go to your corner shop only to find there is a limit on the eggs you are allowed to buy. You buy a dozen, and then you go back the next day and buy another dozen and so on. It takes you approximately six months to get your hands on all the eggs you need.

 

Then you break one of the eggs and start to beat it, but you find that it’s gone rotten after lying around in your kitchen for six months. You calculate you could make an omelette with about 300 of the eggs, throwing away the other rotten 1400. But that wouldn’t be enough to get into the Guinness Book of Records, so you are lumbered with a load of eggs, all set to go rotten. Your only choice is to sell them as quickly as possible, right?

 

Well, that’s what the banks have been doing with your money.

 

 

Part Two: What the World Will Look Like in a Few Years

 

The capitalist world as we know it has its days numbered. Most of the banks and financial institutions will be nationalised, but this will not lead to socialism. We will move towards a new era of state capitalism, and the world order will be led by China. Europe will abandon the euro, and we will revert to the franc, the mark and the peseta. Currencies in Asia and Latin America will depeg from the dollar and some will peg with the yuan. The World Bank will go bankrupt and the IMF will be left in the hands of the Russian mafia. Exchange rates will lurch, soaring and plummeting willy-nilly.

 

This financial turmoil will cause massive migration, as millions of West Europeans move to Africa and the Middle East and North Americans pour into Mexico and Guatemala.

 

Fuel supplies will be interrupted, forests will burn and global warming will reach unforeseen levels. Toxic waste will spill over the land and millions will lose their homes.

 

 

Part Three: How The Above Will Affect Your Savings

 

It should be clear enough by now that your savings are not safe, wherever they are. If you have anything left in your bank account, it will be expropriated by the government, who need it to build underground bunkers for ministers and their families.

 

Spend what you’ve got now. Invest in things that won’t go rotten. Don’t trust your bank. Don’t trust your politicians. Don’t trust your lawyer. Don’t trust anybody. Except me.

 

Part Four: How To Get Rich Despite Everything

 

In times of crisis, it’s always good to know there’s a safe haven for your money. Conscious of our moral responsibilities, Zaragoza Twins are pleased to announce the opening of the Ethical Emergency Fund. You are cordially invited to deposit your savings in this fund, which will be safely stashed away in our Nigeria office. Guaranteed by the Heen & Sheen Moral Foundation, your money will be guarded under lock and key in one of our most secure warehouses in a secret location known only to myself. It will stay here untouched for exactly 25 years, after which time a fair amount will be returned to its owners, exchanged into the African currency of your choice.

 

No deposit under 5,000 USD will be accepted, and we take cash.

 

So don’t delay. Offer your family a better future. Act astutely. You know it makes sense. Ensure your savings with the Zaragoza Twins Ethical Emergency Fund, where everyone’s a winner.

 

For further information, please contact us at: scamzaragoza@hotmail.com

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4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Mustafa on November 16, 2008 at 9:40 pm

    Thank you for offering to look after my ill-earned fortune. I am most interested in hoarding my illegal millions in your dubious enterprise. Unfortunately, when I wrote to your address scamzaragoza@hotmail.com I received an “unknown address” reply. How can I deposit 10,000,000 dollars with you? Please send me an account number so that I can pay this money into it.

    Reply

  2. Posted by zaragozatwins on November 16, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    Hi Mustafa. Thank you for your interest. We will be sending you an account number very shortly. It’s nice to know there are still some unscrupulous millionaires who will do what it takes to make a killing while the world economy goes under. I look forward to many shady dealings with you in the future. HEEN

    Reply

  3. Posted by Emilio Gates on November 19, 2008 at 10:28 pm

    After reading your article, I feel much more better. I was nervous in the beginning, but at the end…..the solution !!! I also need an account number to transfer my money (just 16.000.000€), but before finishing……it is possible to change the “eggs” of the example by Kinder “eggs”? I want to explain the crisis situation to my kids and I think they will understand better. I am not sure if the use of chocolate in that example…..Best regards.

    Reply

  4. Posted by zaragozatwins on November 20, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    Lenin told us that we can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, Emilio. I’m fairly sure he was referring to hen eggs or, at a pinch, quail or duck. If you can guarantee that you can make an acceptable tortilla with Kinder huevos sorpresa, we guarantee we will reimburse you with an equally acceptable percentage of your recent deposit in our Ethical Emergency Fund. If, at any time, you would like to upgrade to our new Grotesque Avarice Fund (for exclusive clients only), don’t hesitate to let us know. Heen

    Reply

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