Food Shortages? My Left Foot!


Heen says:


I am so SICK and TIRED of hearing that there’s a SHORTAGE of FOOD in the WORLD. People keep moaning that the PRICE of RICE is going through the ROOF, that CHICKEN is more expensive than EVER (gimme a raincheck on the price of EVER) and that PEOPLE can’t afford a LOAF of BREAD or a BOTTLE of MILK.


HELL, I’m even GETTING sick of using this CAPS LOCK key.


Don’t people realise that if I write realize I get a wiggly red line underneath it? No, hang on, I don’t mean that. I meant to say, don’t people realise that there is a source of protein so easily available they wouldn’t have to crap on about food prices ever again?


Just the other day in my local Seven Eleven I overheard some embittered pensioner mumble to her equally worthless husband or fellow convict, “It costs me an arm and a leg just to feed my family”, and I was about to slash her wrinkly stinkly head off with my katana and yell at her, “Well, yeah, you festering geriatric cretin, why doncha walk the talk??”


Come on, guys, the food is on the table. You just have to see it.


Yeah, I know, I know, there’s like 500,000,000 people who are going to tut-tut my idea, but what the hell, I never got where I am today by listening to majority opinions. And I am fully aware that my suggestion may alarm or repulse that garbage known as “accepted wisdom”. I’m talking about the culinary habit known as cannibalism, which has had a real bad press for centuries but could just prove the answer to our so-called food shortages, as long as we rid ourselves of certain engrained prejudices.


Think about it – kilos upon kilos of quality meat, just waiting to be slaughtered, cooked and savoured; mountains of succulent dishes begging to be served up; millions of nutrients there for the taking… and yet we let our ethnocentric gastro-memes get in the way between our nervous systems and our digestive systems. 


Cannibalism is as old as our stomachs. Cannibalism is the new cool.


Why feed on hormone-stuffed pork? Why eat corroded battery chickens, shit-farmed fish and mad cows? Isn’t there an ample supply of healthy flesh just pleading to be bleeding in our frying pans? There most definitely is, folks, and it’s sitting there on your sofa, crouched over your keyboard, strolling in your gardens, rotting in your prisons, taking up valuable space in your hospitals, wasting time and money in your schools and universities, practically everywhere you look. Human meat, the obvious choice for the 21st century.


So get over your hang ups and start today. Bite me.


There are so many ways to enjoy human flesh. Whether we favour the old-fashioned ways of barbequing and pot-boiling, or prefer nouvelle cuisine methods (not to mention molecular gastronomy, that weird food science invented by Ferran Adrià  and Heston Blumenthal), we can surely find something to tickle our taste buds at those moments we arrive home and there’s nothing exciting left in our larder.


Heen and Sheen are proud to give you The Newest Cannibal Cookbook.This oeuvre is yet to hit the bookstalls (you can imagine what reticence those fascist publishers love to portray) but we will take advantage of this blog to offer our readers (both of them, ha ha, this is a joke) some delicious samples.


We’d like to start with a snatch of the index page, just to get your mouths watering. Feeling hungry yet?


·        Forearms in parsley sauce

·        Curried abdomen

·        Grilled love handles with spinach and pistachios

·        Wrist pizza

·        Stuffed buttocks in blue cheese sauce


The list goes on and on. And, you might have noticed, none of these recipes calls for any internal organs… What does this mean? It means you don’t have to kill anybody to eat properly! That’s right! A good amputation and hey, you’ve solved that “What shall we have for dinner” question in the blink of an eye! (Just in case you’re wondering, yes, we do have a recipe for eyelids, sautéed with shiitake mushrooms and dill).


Just think what you could do with that left leg you hardly ever use! All that unsightly flab you try to hide under your tee shirt! It’s a meal, guys! It’s food! And it’s FREE!


I must point out, however, at this point, that there is human meat and human meat. I mean, come on… it’s not rocket science. Would you rather sink your teeth into the biceps of some sixty-year-old asthmatic taxi driver or Jessica Alba’s thighs? Yeah, yeah, I know, call me sexist, racist, elitist, whatever, but hell, at the end of the day, some meat is gonna taste better. Get over it, you politically correct oaf. The best meat is going to come from recently-retired female gymnasts, when those muscles are tight and fresh and the blood is silky. The worst probably comes from some fat slob who’s never worked out in his life, spends most of his time smoking and drinking cheap beer and sitting at his computer. (In other words, don’t bother trying to cook me, OK?)


Know any cannibal recipes that really work? Sheen and Heen guarantee to try them out and share their thoughts with you!


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by juanlu on May 26, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    Interesting article. Why don’t you create a specific area for “The silence of the lambs”? It’s the best movie I’ve never seen.


  2. Posted by zaragozatwins on May 27, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    Heen says:
    I think you’ve got the wrong category here, Juanlu, despite Hannibal’s well-known dietary habits. Maybe you could suggest a drink to go with the film that you mention?


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