The Ultimate Horoscope

You’ve seen the boring one, with Aquarius and Taurus; you’ve done the Chinese one with snakes and horses; you’ve probably even tried the Mayan one and the Celtic one. But you have never seen your stars the Zaragoza Twins way – the Practical Fishodiac!

 

 

First, find what Practical Fish type you are, depending on your birthday:

 

The Flounder : Jan 13 – Feb 26

The Pilchard : Feb 27 – Mar 31

The Stickleback : Apr 1 – May 27

The Carp : May 28 – Jun 29

The Minnow : Jun 30 – Aug 19

The Red Mullet : Aug 20 – Nov 6

The John Dory : Nov 7 – Nov 11

The Turbot : Nov 12 – Jan 12

 

General character types:

 

The Flounder

You are happy-go-lucky and tend to think people are nicer than they actually are. You support football teams that never win anything, you like knitting and have a small wart just above your left elbow that you think nobody can see but actually they can. You like to think you are good with your hands, and have a facility for telekinesis.

 

The Pilchard

You are a natural born worrier. You spend most of your time and energy weighing up the pros and cons of everything before making a decision. Your enjoyment of what life has to offer is offset by the pains of contemplating disappointment. You seem to get on well with children, especially when they have very dark hair and/or eyes. The arts, science and technology, philosophy and sport mean nothing to you. You wonder if you were born on the wrong planet.

 

The Stickleback

You are the kind of person nobody wants to marry but everybody wants to have an affair with. You always leave things to the last minute. You love cooking, barn dancing and old furniture, especially kitchen cabinets with frosted glass fronts. You are ambitious,      hospitable and frequently diabetic.

 

The Carp

You are second to none when it comes to crying on other people’s shoulders. You lack decisiveness and drive, but you make up for this with your winning smile and athletic build. There is something mystical in your attitude to life. You are always trying to use words like “ignominy” and “derisive” in conversation. You have a small but impressive collection of old maps.

 

The Minnow

You are methodical, meticulous and mendacious. People trust you with their livelihood and you go and fleece them remorselessly. You would love to be spontaneous, warm-hearted and philanthropic but you were just born with a selfish gene. You despise mediocrity, furry household pets and large parts of the Mediterranean.

 

The Red Mullet

Your romantic streak is at the same time your greatest asset and your biggest liability. You have this thing about plants… You are shy and reserved, yet passionate and creative. Likely professions include: film director, market gardener, UN Secretary General. Politically, your ideas are far from orthodox, and you have way too many potted plants on your windowsills.

 

The John Dory

You always feel that other people don’t appreciate your qualities, and you get depressed and angry as a result. You are naturally cooperative and caring, but have to fight to put down your vicious side. You are prone to sloth and avarice. You have a bewildering aversion to the colour beige which stems from a childhood trauma we’d rather not go into at this moment in time.

 

The Turbot

You are a born leader. You are brave, tenacious and inspiring. People flock to you for advice and guidance. You are tall and good-looking. Your health is excellent and your intellect is dazzling. You drive a Maserati and own a collection of Fabergé eggs. Your children’s names are Cleo and Alex.